Sunday, July 22, 2007

2 weeks to the rest of my life!!

Well, I gave my two week notice at work yesterday and it felt like I was breaking up with a girlfriend. I really do enjoy my boss and the other women who work there, but I have to keep doing what I know is in my own best interest at this point. I've spent a lifetime, so far, making decisions based on how I think other people will feel, or based on what I think other people want or need. Always sacrificing myself, my happiness, my desires, just so that I don't think I am hurting or getting in the way of others. Again, as you can see from this post so far, this warping of my own life was due to listening, almost exclusively, to thoughts at the denial of feeling. And since I'm open to my feelings now, I'm beginning to learn how to honor them, listen to them, and see that feeling bad can actually mean I can change my own circumstances, that I actually value myself enough to give myself the opportunity to feel good. And now, when I give thought and feeling an equal say, intelligence lies outside of both, intelligence lies where I am instead of mistakenly bound up in thought, where I had believed it resided my entire life. It's so funny, because I usually thought that thoughts were somehow intelligent, right? I mean, whenever I was in some sort of situation I would listen to thoughts to navigate me through. I'm not saying there is no place for thought, that would be obviously absurd, but let's just be clear as to what they are and where they come from. I've been, in my distant past, surrounded by certain spiritual communities that actually taught and told people that thought came directly out of emptiness and returned to emptiness. Ridiculous!! In order to believe such non sense you would have to overlook having a brain, and I don't mean to say you're stupid, I mean the actual, physical brain, you would have to deny it in order to believe such dribble. If you are at all curious, you can probably see for yourself that thought is mostly the response of memory. When the brain meets a present challenge, and every present moment can be said to be a challenge for the brain, it's response is to link this moment with similar ones from the past, and it's present response, or action forward, is often guided by the reactive thought process that links past with now. If the moment was 'successfully' navigated it is remembered as such and the next time a similar matching takes place with even less, if any, conscious thought needed, there is just the learned response reacting. Now clearly, this can work quite well in many regards, and it does in countless crucial ways, but what also must stand out is that this sort of process can just as easily go WAY off as it pertains to the individual because it is simply a process that happens on its own, in other words, it conditions itself and then goes about conditioning circumstances and responses that inturn recondition itself in a never-ending loop. Now the brain, the human brain, has been evolving for thousands and thousands of years, the residue of which builds up the framework of humanities experience of life itself, so through that amount of time and experience the avenues of successful navigation and boundless neurosis are innumerable. It's an amazing phenomena when you think about it, and so to finally come to a point in my life where I can dispel the belief that intelligence lies in the thought process and own it is so very beautiful. It frees me from my own prison walls. Because as I was biking to work yesterday, with the feeling of ending my work there in two weeks, I heard the thoughts that I would normally obey being mercilessly laid over that feeling. Thoughts like, "but what will you do for an income?" "aren't you leaving your boss in a difficult situation?" "Not now, the timing isn't right." "You're gonna just act on that feeling, what about when it passes?" "What if you're just angry, frustrated, and you'll regret this situation once you do it?" "You've done this before and it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to." "Just suck it up, the right time will present itself to you, not you presenting the right time to life." You know what I mean? And to just listen and follow the fact that I no longer feel 'good' doing this work and I know it's time because I value myself and I'm worth feeling good about myself and what I do. And so now the present moment need not be solely informed by my thought process, it is suddenly much more dynamic, open to an intelligence that acts from its own source. It is an exciting time for me in my life and I thank you all for being a part of it.