Monday, July 23, 2007

Being my own.

I don't know about you but for me, at some point just recently in my life, I decided I just couldn't keep waiting to find out who the rest of the world wanted me to be. And by world, I mean those I know, those I've met, and those who have influenced me throughout my life. It is really a terrible feeling to not know who you are, to not know how to act, what to say, what to do. It feels like such a waste to always be trying to learn how to react in such a way to make everyone else feel comfortable, when underneath it all it is me that feels so utterly uncomfortable behaving in such a manner. Does anyone know what I mean? I feel like I've been playing a game my whole 'adult' life where the rules are not only always changing but I'm only informed one rule at a time a moment or two after I broke it. And this sort of sleep walking through life becomes so normal, common, just bumping into the furniture that someone keeps moving around the room. I can honestly say it has never been comfortable, this way I've lived my life, but it was definitely normal. And it was due to this outward uncertainty in myself that I became so dependent inwardly on thought. And yet, it is also quite obvious that such inward dependence on thought would translate as outward uncertainty in life, I mean attention can only be held in one place at a time, right? It is the holding that is so suffocating. And there is only holding when there is avoidance at play. I've always avoided the way I feel because it has always been quite scary. I mean it always seemed like if I felt myself I would hate myself, and it is true, I have hated myself plenty, but the hatred does not run that deep. Beneath that current there is the deep expanse of ridiculously large freedom, and it is that that I've been avoiding my whole life. The thought being, 'if I felt that as being myself I would die', the flip side being, 'if I didn't feel that as being myself I wouldn't die'. WOW...that's quite funny, because the only thing guaranteed in this life on Earth is my eventual death. I don't know when but it is certain and yet the belief is if I don't feel what lies inside me, at my core, I will live this life indefinitely. It's a crazy thought but it's there, running right under my conscious radar. Because when I admit that the end of this life is certain, not morbidly so, then there is just too much energy to keep bound up in a fearful form. That energy, unbound, creates it's own form and it is that that I refer to as being my own.