Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Raging Sea of Emotional Turmoil

I can hardly remember a time in my life where I have felt more emotional turmoil rage in my body then it has been raging recently. I have noticed how I have always denied my emotions, to the point where feeling bad, feeling alone, feeling isolated, feeling despair was natural, like what life was supposed to be like in my skin. I was the martyr of the world, and yet no one knew it but me and even worse, no one cared anyway. I had such a warped view of myself and the world, believing my suffering, my being worthless was some how giving worth to others. As if I would save anyone else but myself, I just never FELT I was worth it. And so feeling in my body was the reminder of how I was never good enough for anyone else to love me and everyone showed me that through their actions towards me sooner or later. I guess I learned quite young that I'd rather not feel that way and so I began simply thinking of myself differently and much more often, compulsively, to the point where I grew dependent on thinking myself in order to avoid feeling myself. And since the person I became in my thoughts grew out of the avoidance of this vile sea of emotinal turmoil, my thoughts of myself became this cancerous growth of superiority where everyone else was seen as worthless. Of course, you would never know it if I didn't share it with you, from the outside the image was pretty well put together. The long and short of this entry is I grew up, like I assume most of us have, not knowing how to make sense of the awakening of emotions and thoughts and the defining of what they mean in my young, growing body. Since my parents probably shared the same fate as I growing up, that is being internally alone with the challenge of human life, my unfolding would naturally be like theirs. And yet, for me, this time around, the emotional wave was far to large for any mental re-positioning. I couldn't keep my attention out of this violent sea within me, I fell helplessly in. It is there, in the falling in, in the agony of being lost at sea, once again, that I began to believe there is another life possible, one not led or governed by either body, emotional or mental. A life where both have a healthy place but neither becomes a force of oppression or sacrifice. I call this new life, a human life. I've hardly ever known it before, not consciously anyway. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, like being adrift on the open ocean, the calm of today may give rise to the storm of tomorrow, but I can now recognize it is the same sea, whether angry or calm, and I am only a visitor, adrift, tiny, inconsequential, anonymous, and I dare say free. We'll see what tomorrow brings.