While in the shower last night I knew I wanted to write about subconscious motives. Motives that are running in the background of mind and yet shaping the outcome of what manifests in our lives. I was very lonely not so long ago. I had traveled for years through the spiritual gauntlet and came out the other end raw, alone, but I dare say untouched and free, in spite of the spiritual gauntlet I might add! My social skills, however, were none existent. I met a woman while I was living with my dad and stepmother, jobless and trying to regroup. When we met I just knew I wanted to know her better, I needed to know her better. We met only once before my already planned move up to San Francisco. I moved but couldn't escape the misery of my life situation. I would call her on the phone but she wasn't that interested, so I kept calling. I lived only a month or so up in SF before deciding to move back down to southern California in order to create a relationship with her. I vowed to myself that I would have an intimate relationship with her, I vowed that she'd love me.
And so I worked on it. I did my best to place myself in her life to the point where she would need me, depend on me. And slowly but surely she warmed to me...slowly mostly. It took a solid two months before she wanted me to be in her life as much as I wanted to be in her life. However, I always felt the danger of her leaving my life at the drop of a hat. For instance, I knew if we were apart for too long she would leave. I mean, to tell the truth, she probably never really wanted me there, she just got used to me being there, and since I made myself her support, her shoulder, her everything she needed, we grew dependent on each other. We were together everyday, morning till night, and it was that way for two and a half years. We traveled together, moved in together and married and yet the whole time I always felt if I wasn't in her immediate environment there was always the danger of her drifting off. Eventually, she did or maybe I did.
Now everything I've shared with you were subconscious thoughts, feelings and motives that I would never have admitted to having, not to myself and certainly not to anyone else. These weren't thoughts I was conscious of, like being conscious of a choose you make today between two cereals. These were intimations, hints, momentary feelings shunned and pushed aside, immediately denied and forgotten. Do you know what I mean? Now why would I keep such secrets from myself? Why would I knowingly ignore my very own motives even when they are sowing the seeds of my own sorrow? Why would I continually not face the truth that is trying to come out? I had very noble motives that I was consciously pursuing on the surface of mind but clearly the hidden, deeper motives were shaping the overall manifestation of this situation. We grew isolated, we grew bored, we grew...apart. In the beginning the ignoring of these motives, these thoughts, these needs was strong enough, for the pursuit of the ideal was clear, but as time passed the mirage slowly faded and what was left were the hidden forces that began this dance. I still love her with all my heart and I know she loves me. There was a connection, like one of a brother and sister, it just wasn't the connection I was set out to make it and maybe she wasn't really looking for a brother, even though she found one.
What's so crucial in sharing this story is honestly revealing how life bears everything without the least need for change. Many people believe that when you realize the truth of who you actually are, become 'enlightened', know God, whatever you call it, everything that occurs to the human being disappears, vanishes, or is transformed. You will no longer feel pain, no longer get angry, no longer feel sad...I'm sure you've heard it all before. All the exotic books from the East tell you such things, your teachers, your gurus, your self-help books, endless non-sense dressed up in the garb of absolute authority. Don't waste your time with such dribble. When you discover your own nature you discover the nature of all things, thoughts, feelings, experience...everything's included. Needing something to change is called misunderstanding the very thing you want to see change. And exclaiming that such things are transformed after 'enlightenment' is just another trap of thought. What most refer to as 'enlightenment' is actually a narrowing down of the mind, a deadening process, to the point of an absolute focus on your particular notion of what that is and identifying absolutely with it.
Understanding is of a different nature. Instead of becoming someone different, why not ruthlessly reveal who you are to yourself. Don't change or adjust a thing. Whatever wants to reveal itself, allow it to reveal itself. Acknowledge its existence and there is no need to deny it, suppress it, or act upon it. Discover what lies in the depths of your mind so that there is no longer an anchored point to your existence, a depth, or a 'your' mind. I promise, Life doesn't need the least bit of change because it is the nature of all things in life to change. Life bears the fact of change, the resistance to the fact, and the reconciliation with the fact, endlessly. And so you'll find that being exactly who you are right now is exactly what is necessary to be free of who you've believed yourself to be, for it is the flowering of what is, all of it, that blossoms into the lotus of boundless existence.