Sunday, August 5, 2007

A new relationship with myself.

I just woke up about twenty minutes ago. It is my first day after my last day of work, so I slept in until I felt like getting out of bed. I was having a dream before I awoke, I was in Amsterdam, a city I've been to several times before, with a friend I am no longer in contact with, although we were still together in the dream. I was walking the streets alone, as I am known to do, and looking in shops and coffee shops. It was a sunny day. Suddenly I remembered that I was in Amsterdam with my friend and we had not spent any time together, I was always doing things on my own. I thought about it, while dreaming, and it occurred to me that this was the way I had usually been with her, always finding ways to be on my own and not with her and I felt the pain of that, I felt how I had created, unintentionally, so much distance between us just by 'being me.' I wanted to get back to where we were staying and change things, grab her and let her know it would be different, but I was lost in the side streets of Amsterdam, I couldn't find my way back to her. It was too late, it is too late, what's done is done. I woke up from this dream and understood a little more about the wiring of Robert, the circuitry that has developed over the years that makes me, well, me, my conditioning.

I can see how afraid I am of being loved, of having love in my life because love, and I know this directly, will take your plans, your image of yourself, your thoughts of the future, your hopes, your fears, your sense of separation and smash it all against the rocks of it's shoreline. Now, I'm not talking about your petty little love, the word you throw around so loosely with those you know. Love, being a never ending movement or current, has no need for the static playthings of our mind. Think of love as a raging, swollen, uncontrollable river. And think of yourself, your body, as all you hope to be in the future. Now go walk out into the middle of that river and see how long you can stand in one place before being swept downstream? Disclaimer: 'Please don't actually find a raging river and try to walk into the middle of it and stand there indefinitely. Not good!' Maybe love is the very movement of life and it is only when the mind creates and holds static images of this movement that it becomes twisted, distorted, fractured and fragmented. Pretty soon maybe the movement of love looks like jealousy, hatred, animosity, revenge, selfishness... I feel a hint of regret this morning for my past behaviors towards someone I loved, love still, always will, but the feeling that is holding that hint of regret is acknowledgment and compassion towards myself. I didn't know any better, there were thoughts telling me to be differently, and feelings I didn't listen to, but the majority of the time there was just this momentum, a lifetime of programmed momentum that calls itself me, feels like me and acts as if it's me...acting, speaking, reacting, suffering...acting, speaking, reacting, suffering.

It is my intention this morning to form a new relationship with myself, one that is based on acknowledging all that exists within me and compassionately observing it in order to begin to discern between that which is old, the programming called Robert, and that which is blossoming into existence NOW. And from my own experience, that which blossoms into existence NOW is a movement of life, which is also a movement of love and therefore has little need for the static playthings of mind.