Thursday, August 23, 2007

When 'Meeting' Life Becomes 'Hiding' Behind Life.

I went in to Hudson Medical Center in Los Angeles yesterday to have x-rays taken of my ankle. You'll be happy to know there is no break or fracture to be found. I went to Hudson because I do not have any health insurance and they, along with several other 'free' clinics in L.A, will see you regardless of your status or income. However, you wait! I was a fortunate one, I'll write about that in another post, because I ended up waiting only 6.5 hours before happily driving back home, albeit hungry. The point of this post is to shed light on an interesting phenomena that was brought to my attention as I patiently waited to be seen by the doctor. I was extraordinarily patient! I was immovably calm, tranquil. I was in a state of passive meditation, taking in the beauty of my surroundings, the 135, or so, other human beings, and allowing the moment to go where it will. It suddenly occurred to me, ever since a certain point in my life, I've nearly always responded to life appropriately, with dignity, respect, compassion, awareness, and moment to moment attention to what is actually happening. It's as if I 'saw' all the times I met injury, defeat, painful situations, duties, responsibilities with near total impeccability.

And then there was the flip side, this side I now refer to as 'behind life.' Behind life is a totally different experience. Behind life can be referred to as the space I'm in when this moment is only here to bring me to another moment I envision in the future. It is likened to a moment of waste. I've also referred to this space with myself as 'in the mean time,' time. You'll recognize this space because it is space that 'doesn't count,' as if no one is watching, no one knows about it, it is behind the scenes, so therefore you can act out in every ridiculous way imaginable. For example, I sat in an uncomfortable plastic chair and waited with 135 other people, most of who were in front of me, for 6 hours to see a doctor and yet never moved so much as an inch emotionally, mentally, or physically. I was at peace. It was, what it was, and that was that. However, I can be alone in my room, sitting in front of my computer when it doesn't load a site in 20 seconds, and have a flare up of fury! This is what I'm talking about today, the idea is that the 'work' I'm doing on the computer is 'behind life' and it will not become 'actual life' until I reach some certain result, finished product, in the future. The circumstance also includes the idea that I am in total control of all aspects and therefore I become the director of a future moment instead of the actor of this one. That finished product, in this example, is a blogsite that's aesthetically pleasing to me and has a consistent flood of daily traffic. It is a results orientated mind, where as the mind in the waiting room is grounded in the immediate. The results orientated mind is agitated with any moment that is not actively moving towards the end result. Now, I share this with you as the movement of observation within myself, not in order to change or fix this behavior. No advice is needed, for the observation, itself, has its own effect.

However, I'd love to hear what each of you reading this post thinks about this difference in the quality of mind in any given circumstance? Do you have a similar example from your own life that highlights this split between 'meeting' life and 'hiding' behind life? Please feel free to share. Comments add so much to any particular post. Differing perspectives are the spice of life!