Saturday, September 15, 2007

The Bluetooth Of The Mind.


When I'm out and about I really enjoy coming across random people talking to themselves. Of course, that's what it always looks like, until I see their Bluetooth wrapped around one of their ears. They are, in fact, speaking with another human being after all. But there certainly are plenty of times when we listen to a voice, that seems to originate in our head, and we are the only ones listening. We listen through an internal Bluetooth, so to speak, and only one person has the phone I obviously have a plan with unlimited minutes, call anytime functionality, with no roaming or long distance charges, otherwise I couldn't afford to talk to myself so often. There is the occasional dropped call and the service fades out in certain situations but all in all I'm pretty satisfied with my carrier. Even when I'm not satisfied I don't have far to go to reach the one who hears my complaints. That's service. The one who is always calling me is, well, me, and we talk with each other about everything. I'm like a prolific painter filling in all the grey and empty spaces of life from a palette of uniquely colored commentary when I'm speaking to myself. I mean, how dull and boring life must be when I'm not constantly adding myself to it, right? That's what I used to tell myself, but recently I've come to see it somewhat differently. Seeing differently I decided to do something about it.

Clearly this internal Bluetooth is one of the tools of Life's Personalization Department. If you listen to your service agreement it states so in line 34 of page 107. Not so long ago I called the L.P.D to see about an upgrade to my existing Bluetooth plan. You see, I've had my current plan for as long as I can remember and it's served me so well for so long, but, like I said, recently I have been growing increasingly unhappy with the quality of service and commentary afforded to me. Where once it was exciting and fun it now seemed incapable of keeping my attention or interest and there was even a feeling that there may be serious health issues associated with using my Bluetooth as much as I have. It is with these, and other, concerns that I called the L.P.D. Well, after spending quite a bit of time on hold I was funneled through a series of automated steps in order to deliver me to the right section in the department. Apparently, the right section was an abrupt busy signal and a permanently locked re-entry to the internal number of the L.P.D. Out of luck, I decided to drive down to the L.P.D myself and speak with the head, whoever that was. Upon arriving I walked straight into the building, past the front desk and out onto the main floor of the L.P.D. Phones were ringing off the hook, countless voices could be heard through monitors asking for assistance for this or that and yet NO ONE was there. The L.P.D was completely empty of life, everything was run through a network of phone-lines set to a series of automated responses. Walking further inside the department I saw several large office rooms with large windows facing the ocean. All of then empty, of course. I sat down in the CEO's plush leather chair but before I had time to enjoy the view I received a call from my internal Bluetooth. I answered and heard myself say, 'Only you, you're the only one in here. Everything else is automated.' Right. It was easy to change my internal Bluetooth plan after hearing that kernel of truth.