Friday, July 3, 2009

This Me Will Always Remain Incomplete.

The interesting thing about myself is the fact that I am never complete, never secure, never unmovable. There is always the next day, the next experience, the next relationship, the next mistake, all of which inevitably breed the need to regain what was lost, keep what was found, change how someone thinks of me, start over, do it again only this time better...

Why? Why this never ending building up of myself only to have it waver, crash, fall, and need to be stood up again? Is it not the very nature of myself...this incompleteness? In other words, isn`t it the very nature of thought? What is thought? How does it arise? For instance, when I think of myself, what does that involve? It involves, does it not, re-introducing knowledge that I have previously gathered through past experience which is held in memory? Something happened to me last week with a certain group of people and when I see those same people again, with the knowledge of what happened last time, I act differently, or so I hope. And this is me, isn`t it? This movement of thought directing action, and the accumulation of the results of my action adding to the knowledge I will use for meeting future circumstances.

Now, since this movement involves time: past, present, future, it is obviously never complete, for there is always tomorrow, presumably, or the next encounter, the next moment, which will invariably add more knowledge to the storehouse that I presently am. So, this is the nature, maybe not in a holistic sense, but it is certainly a movement of mind, thought, that encapsulates me. I am of this movement and therefore, not being free of this movement, which implies not existing independent of this movement, bound to the very same nature, which is incomplete, forever seeking the more, the better, the right, the end...But, of course, by it`s very nature, incapable of ever arriving, resting, reaching completion. Why? Because there is always the next moment which inevitably adds knowledge to memory, thus altering future action and the way I currently view myself.

However, is one aware of this? Because the one who is separate from this movement, which has only been loosely flushed out and described on this post, only creates further conflict, confusion, and sorrow, for there is no separating a self from this movement. Self is a created phenomenon, created not by God, or nature, but by the unconscious movement of thought seeking it`s own everlasting security. One says unconscious not solely because one may be completely unaware of this movement operating within oneself. No, unconscious as well because the very movement of thought itself is insecure, not complete, limited, and therefore the desire for security and completion is utterly futile and false. Right?

And isn`t it true that when one sees something as false, truly false, it is finished, the illusion of it`s abiding reality is given up effortlessly. Isn`t this your experience? Until then, this me will always remain incomplete.